Wednesday, June 17, 2009

This had me rolling.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Saturday, May 23, 2009

This is ridiculous!

Let me guess, he's watching Pimp My Ride.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Call me a racist if you must, but...

...for far too many years this country has put up with an influx of undocumented and undesirables infesting our country. While bleeding heart liberals have empathy and compassion for these people, the majority of the rest of us are tired of it and fear we are losing the culture that we have worked so hard to create. The flat out refusal of those people to obey our laws, our ways, and especially our language is basically spitting on the U.S, it's citizens, and our forefathers.
I, for one, have had enough. You dark skinned, bean eating, uneducated, and unskilled trespassers need to assimilate to our ways, or take the first boat back to where you came from!
The Bulgarians have gotten a free ride for too long, and it's time to take a stand.I encourage all to write or call your congressman today, and voice your displeasure of the dirty Bulgarians taking a stranglehold on our society. It's time to just say NO to Bulgaria, at least until they start developing NBA quality basketball players.

Monday, May 18, 2009

My Two Daddies

From Fox News;,2933,520524,00.html

"A Texas mother of twins got the shock of her life when doctors revealed that her 11-month-old boys do not have the same father.

Mia Washington decided to get some expert advice when she and her partner noticed that twins Justin and Jordan had different facial features.

Washington later admitted she had had an affair and got pregnant by two different men at the same time."

When I pressed her for a comment, Miss Washington said, "umm hmmm, it ain't no thang, we just gonna have to spend Fathers Day at 2 separate prisons now, um hmm."

This cat is making me look bad!

I can barely get motivated to watch TV, yet this fucking cat learns to play the piano. That tears it, I give up!

From heifer to huffer

A few weeks back I got back in touch with a good friend and former roommate (Scooter), who I had not seen in about 5 years. His brother-in-law had free tickets for the Iowa Barnstormer game, and Scooter asked if I wanted to go. Never one to say no to minor league arena football, of course I said yes. I met him at the arena, where I was greeted by Scooter and a group of ten of his wife's family and friends, which is another story for another time. After a furious comeback by the Barnstormers, that still ended up in a loss, me and Scooter decide to head back to my house to catch up on old times.

Scooter is a smoker, so because neither me or my mom smoke, we head outside every once in a while so Scooter can shorten his life one drag at a time. That night was rainy, so we ended up going to the garage. Scooter points out that the neighbor lady and her friend, who are in their early twenties, are also out smoking. I quickly and firmly tell Scooter to not look at them and acknowledge them. He tells me that the neighbor lady's friend looks hot (note, Scooter only has one eye, the other is glass). I assure Scooter that she is not and to stop looking at them. All of a sudden it starts to downpour and the neighbor and friend come rushing into my garage. Moments after they arrive, Scooter soon realizes that I was right, but we didn't know the half of it. The friend, Pam or something, was loud and rambling incoherently, and as Scooter pointed out to me had many missing teeth and was wearing "Family Guy" pajamas. Quickly Cassie, my neighbor who appeared sober, started explaining that Pam had been painting all day and was delirious from the fumes. We didn't disagree, and we spent around 45 minutes making fart jokes and keeping the "ladies" in stitches. Finally the sober one decides they should go back inside (THANK GOD!) Once we get inside I scold Scooter for not listening to me. We then talk about what we just saw. I guess we were oblivious before, but we realize that Pam's hands were covered in white paint and the tip of her nose had white paint on it. It took a while before we realized that she had been talking about painting her kitchen dark red and that it didn't all add up.
After going to bed and waking up in the middle of the night to pee, it all of a sudden occurred to me that she had been huffing paint. The only way I knew this was because I had just seen an episode of Cops in Anchorage Alaska and it was a common occurrence there, and they outlined the sure signs of huffing.
Unbelievable!!!!! Now not only do I have to work harder at avoiding the neighbors, but now I have to lock up my paint. At least the corn in my garden is safe.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Politics simplified

People need to be up making breakfast anyway!!!

So I get home from delivering my newspapers earlier this morning, and since my lemonade stand is stocked and ready to go, I've got some free time. At about 5am, I go upstairs and realize that it's starting to get light outside. So I do my business upstairs then decide I should mow the lawn. I start the mower up, and 45 minutes later I am done cutting the fastest growing and thickest lawn in the world. I wash the mower off, wash my shoes off, then head back into the house. My mom is up and wearing her finest flannel nightgown, but doesn't look too happy. I looked at her and said, what?!?!?!?!? She said, why on earth did you mow the lawn now and wake up all the neighbors? I said, cause fuck em, that's why. Then I grabbed a diet mountain dew and went back downstairs.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Careful what you wish for!

OK Canary, you asked for it, here goes. Canary is my friend who's idea it was for this blog, of course she won't be the one exposing embarrassing personal info, adventures, and ramblings. Her husband ("The Professor"), however, will provide much material and motivation.
Now let the insults begin!