Monday, May 18, 2009

From heifer to huffer

A few weeks back I got back in touch with a good friend and former roommate (Scooter), who I had not seen in about 5 years. His brother-in-law had free tickets for the Iowa Barnstormer game, and Scooter asked if I wanted to go. Never one to say no to minor league arena football, of course I said yes. I met him at the arena, where I was greeted by Scooter and a group of ten of his wife's family and friends, which is another story for another time. After a furious comeback by the Barnstormers, that still ended up in a loss, me and Scooter decide to head back to my house to catch up on old times.

Scooter is a smoker, so because neither me or my mom smoke, we head outside every once in a while so Scooter can shorten his life one drag at a time. That night was rainy, so we ended up going to the garage. Scooter points out that the neighbor lady and her friend, who are in their early twenties, are also out smoking. I quickly and firmly tell Scooter to not look at them and acknowledge them. He tells me that the neighbor lady's friend looks hot (note, Scooter only has one eye, the other is glass). I assure Scooter that she is not and to stop looking at them. All of a sudden it starts to downpour and the neighbor and friend come rushing into my garage. Moments after they arrive, Scooter soon realizes that I was right, but we didn't know the half of it. The friend, Pam or something, was loud and rambling incoherently, and as Scooter pointed out to me had many missing teeth and was wearing "Family Guy" pajamas. Quickly Cassie, my neighbor who appeared sober, started explaining that Pam had been painting all day and was delirious from the fumes. We didn't disagree, and we spent around 45 minutes making fart jokes and keeping the "ladies" in stitches. Finally the sober one decides they should go back inside (THANK GOD!) Once we get inside I scold Scooter for not listening to me. We then talk about what we just saw. I guess we were oblivious before, but we realize that Pam's hands were covered in white paint and the tip of her nose had white paint on it. It took a while before we realized that she had been talking about painting her kitchen dark red and that it didn't all add up.
After going to bed and waking up in the middle of the night to pee, it all of a sudden occurred to me that she had been huffing paint. The only way I knew this was because I had just seen an episode of Cops in Anchorage Alaska and it was a common occurrence there, and they outlined the sure signs of huffing.
Unbelievable!!!!! Now not only do I have to work harder at avoiding the neighbors, but now I have to lock up my paint. At least the corn in my garden is safe.

No comments: